"Boundary" BS!

You hear all about it all the time any more on social media and from all the mental health gurus and "influencers" and talking heads. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. But in my experience, it doesn't seem like quality information is getting out to people on what exactly boundaries are and what they mean. And, as in most things, we can dive into our distant past to see that timeless stories actually tell us a lot about boundaries because it is an issue that has been going on since time immemorial. For as long as there have been humans, there have been problems with boundaries.

What are Personal Boundaries Really About?

Unfortunately, I see way too many people out there who either have absolutely no clue what interpersonal boundaries are and how to deal with them, OR they have heard media pundits psychobabbling about boundaries and then suddenly THINK they know what interpersonal boundaries are all about. But it is actually a very complex issue, and it is made ten times worse by our ultra-fast-changing, hyper-individualistic society.

So here it is: interpersonal boundaries are really about unspoken rules of cooperation. When people work together, as humans have done since the dawn of humanity, there have always been (usually unspoken) rules about what is and what is not "too much" to ask of another person. Constantly, and everywhere, people are asking too much of other people. Interpersonal boundaries are socially constructed norms that emerge as a way to mitigate this problem. Without any boundaries, people will impose on each other with their boundless needs and expectations, and other people will make themselves miserable bending over backwards to meet those demands.

An example

Let's say a neighbor offers to help you with your new puppy when you are at work. How nice! Now you can go to work and not worry that your puppy will get into mischief or miss on his medications or whatever. Then lets say the neighbor asks to come over and visit the puppy on an "off" day because she just loves the dog so much, especially after looking after him all the time. But you say "no, you can't come over, I'm exercising my personal boundaries."

Guess what? This is full-on Boundary BS. You are misusing the term and basically flinging psychobabble at your neighbor and not actually discussing interpersonal boundaries. What you're missing is a thought toward your neighbor's time, effort, and kindness in offering to do something for you, and you just thinking "well that's just great they're so nice to help me without asking for anything in return" without any consideration of your neighbor. The real boundary violator in this situation, my good friend, is YOU. And that is because you just assumed that their cooperation with you is without any complexity or reciprocal care. Am I saying you must let them visit your puppy any time they want? Nope, that would be a boundary violation, too.

The Missing Ingredient

The missing ingredient in all this is COMMUNICATION. It's just plain rude to dismiss your neighbor without considering her feelings, especially given that she was doing something nice for you and not asking for anything in return. But the reality is, the neighbor deserves something in return. Your concern for their feelings. But Dr. G! Does this mean that they can just ask anything of me? Of course not, YOUR feelings matter too. See how challenging this can get?

My point is that you can't just spew "boundaries" and expect that to get you whatever you want. Nor should you just ignore them and let people walk all over you! The issue is that you just can't get out of the game of communicating your wants, feelings, and needs to someone else in important social contacts--but just know that communication is two-way. You get to say how you feel and what you want, but so do they.

The Cultural Dimension

The reason this is so confusing these days is that much of these sorts of culturally constructed norms have been thrown by the wayside in the last several decades. Whether that is a good thing or not is the subject for another day, but the fact is, many traditional societies have all of this more or less sorted out. That is, everyone knows what a reasonable request is, and what an unreasonable request is, and moreover, what an expected reciprocation would be in the large grey area in between. That is what such rules are for. But in our society, everybody hates rules. They're too restrictive! Too arbitrary! Too...you get the idea. And this is fine, so long as everyone realizes throwing out the rules doesn't get us out of the game. It just means everyone has to reinvent the wheel with every new social contact.

Rumplestilskin

Rumplestilskin is a great example of this problem, put into an unforgettable and colorful folktale. At the beginning of the story, the protagonist is already someone whom far too much is being asked. The daughter of the villager tells the king she can spin straw into gold--which is impossible! This puts her into the unenviable position of being forced to try anyway. And so, she turns to the magical Rumplestilskin to do it for her. But she is merely acquiescing to one boundary violation (from the king), and trading it in for an even worse one (from Rumple)! It's not until she says "no!" to giving up her firstborn child, and most prized loved one, that she ultimately succeeds, and wins the day by finally guessing Rumple's full name.

There's a lot more going on in this folktale, but this boundary element is pure gold, pun intended. Because it shows us what happens when we let people walk all over us--they don't stop, and the demands simply escalate until they become ludicrous. But the folktale also is marvelously consise, too, in that the other side of this exchange is shown as well. When we continually demand from others that they give, give, and give, with no thought to their feelings or to their needs, we wind up empty handed and, in Rumple's case, tossed out a window!

Until next time,

EG